you should know a little bit about me...
I am a captive, held against my will.
It all started on a grimy summer day in 2003. Mom had gone off to find food, leaving the three of us under a tree in our outdoor home. I was merely sitting with my two siblings, minding my own business, when she appeared.
The original enemy.
She wanted to pet us. We were feral kittens, not nice little fluffy house cats. What was she thinking? This was my first experience of human stupidity.
Soon it started to rain, which was fine since we are feral cats and we live OUTDOORS. Stupid girl though we were in trouble and began to pick my siblings up. It is just rain, it is water, what could possibly happen? Oh no, we get wet. Guess what girl, we also dry off.
What could I do? Well I did what any self-respecting feral cat would do, run. My siblings...no running, no moving, nothing. Great, I also had stupid in my family. Mother would never touch us again if human hands held us. I began to pull my black and white sibling through a fence that was next to the tree. I counted the orange and white one as collateral damage and tried to move on. Unfortunately before blackie made it through the fence, the girl grabbed him. More collateral damage...onward I go.
I was stuck between two fences and burrowed under leaves thinking I was safe, but oh no no. Here comes girl, fitting through the fences. She grabbed me with those paws of hers. It was then I went inside. The infidel had me. I was now a prisoner of a never-ending war.
This is a diary for all the cats out there that have given up hope on freedom. To the cats who never see the outside world. To the cats who put up with dogs and "owners" who think it would be cute to dress up their kitties. This blog is for you!
Thursday, February 17, 2011
My Kittenhood
To continue my previous history...
After the infidel picked me up, we were all placed in a box. She took us to her lair. My siblings were useless conformists. They did not mind the warm milk in the eyedropper or the cardboard and rag establishment that they created for us. Sad, but true, my siblings were sick. They would have never made it outside, but that's not my problem. If they had died outside, it would have meant more milk for me.
Don't think I'm cold-hearted towards family, I'm merely a Darwinist. I survive so I am the fittest. Now back to my tale children.
The girl was an enemy, yes, for she had stolen me. She was not the worst enemy, he was. The girl had a father who would not leave me alone. Now the girl liked my siblings as they were sweeter, but the man wanted me. Why do you ask? Apparently I was beautiful. The girl didn't want me and with good reason. My eyes glow red in reaction to light, I hissed and bit. She wanted nothing to do with me. She didn't win, the man did and so my demise was furthered.
He named me Keeko. He said I was a beautiful boy.
One small problem...I'M A GIRL!!!!
What do they teach these human creatures in school? It is clearly not how to tell the difference between a boy and a girl. Excuse me sir, did you find a penis on me? I don't think so. What was that? You say you can't see with all the fur in that area? Don't you infernal people have doctors who can tell these sorts of things? You know, the ones that were actually paying attention in school during anatomy and not checking out the opposite sex's anatomy.
Everyone says things get better. They lied.
More tomorrow, I gotta run and hide, I've broken curfew.
After the infidel picked me up, we were all placed in a box. She took us to her lair. My siblings were useless conformists. They did not mind the warm milk in the eyedropper or the cardboard and rag establishment that they created for us. Sad, but true, my siblings were sick. They would have never made it outside, but that's not my problem. If they had died outside, it would have meant more milk for me.
Don't think I'm cold-hearted towards family, I'm merely a Darwinist. I survive so I am the fittest. Now back to my tale children.
The girl was an enemy, yes, for she had stolen me. She was not the worst enemy, he was. The girl had a father who would not leave me alone. Now the girl liked my siblings as they were sweeter, but the man wanted me. Why do you ask? Apparently I was beautiful. The girl didn't want me and with good reason. My eyes glow red in reaction to light, I hissed and bit. She wanted nothing to do with me. She didn't win, the man did and so my demise was furthered.
He named me Keeko. He said I was a beautiful boy.
One small problem...I'M A GIRL!!!!
What do they teach these human creatures in school? It is clearly not how to tell the difference between a boy and a girl. Excuse me sir, did you find a penis on me? I don't think so. What was that? You say you can't see with all the fur in that area? Don't you infernal people have doctors who can tell these sorts of things? You know, the ones that were actually paying attention in school during anatomy and not checking out the opposite sex's anatomy.
Everyone says things get better. They lied.
More tomorrow, I gotta run and hide, I've broken curfew.
Kittenhood Part Deux
Some have said that I'm a bit too cranky. Yes, it's true, but I'm not cranky all the time. I do love, it just took a long time to melt my little blackened heart.
After my captors figured out I was a girl, life was eh. It was not bad. I spent the summer going to work with the man and the girl. The girl was growing on me since she spent most of the time playing with me instead of working. I lived in my cardboard box next to her computer and this odd thing she called a fish tank. I don't understand it, all I saw were little things floating around. I guess fish are like bugs. The girl had a fish at home too. I don't understand what a fish is, but the water it is kept in tastes pretty good.
The girl did some stuff for the man on the computer while he did whatever it is he did in his office. Sometimes there were people, but mostly it was quiet. Not a bad way to spend a day, minus the cardboard box thing. Apparently the place had too many hidey holes and the man didn't want me to discover them. The man only stands to squash my fun.
The only thing that really stood out that summer was this odd person who used to visit. They said he was a bread man. I say he was a creeper. He had that look, you know, the I'm trying to be dark and mysterious and instead I'm just weird. The first time he saw me, he got this strange sad look on his face. He kept staring between me and the fishy tank. Eventually he told the girl that he had a cat once. He went out one day and came back to find it dead. How terrible says my girl. The man says terrible, yes, I found him floating.
Floating? Where could you possible drown in a house? A pool? That is what I thought, but no. The cat drowned in the fish tank. The girl and I could only look in bewilderment. Sigh...I chalk it up to Darwinism. What other explanation is there?
After my captors figured out I was a girl, life was eh. It was not bad. I spent the summer going to work with the man and the girl. The girl was growing on me since she spent most of the time playing with me instead of working. I lived in my cardboard box next to her computer and this odd thing she called a fish tank. I don't understand it, all I saw were little things floating around. I guess fish are like bugs. The girl had a fish at home too. I don't understand what a fish is, but the water it is kept in tastes pretty good.
The girl did some stuff for the man on the computer while he did whatever it is he did in his office. Sometimes there were people, but mostly it was quiet. Not a bad way to spend a day, minus the cardboard box thing. Apparently the place had too many hidey holes and the man didn't want me to discover them. The man only stands to squash my fun.
The only thing that really stood out that summer was this odd person who used to visit. They said he was a bread man. I say he was a creeper. He had that look, you know, the I'm trying to be dark and mysterious and instead I'm just weird. The first time he saw me, he got this strange sad look on his face. He kept staring between me and the fishy tank. Eventually he told the girl that he had a cat once. He went out one day and came back to find it dead. How terrible says my girl. The man says terrible, yes, I found him floating.
Floating? Where could you possible drown in a house? A pool? That is what I thought, but no. The cat drowned in the fish tank. The girl and I could only look in bewilderment. Sigh...I chalk it up to Darwinism. What other explanation is there?
The Girl and I
I spent most of my time with the girl. Not because I wanted to, but because she wanted to. Personally I liked the girl's mother, momma cat. She did not pester me or limit my fun or try to pet me. I liked her best, but the girl was ok too.
She would put me in the window where this wonderful, fluttery things called birds were. They made interesting noises that I often tried to imitate. I would have loved to touch them, but there was this weird wiry mesh in the way. I tried to rip it with my claws, but I never succeeded.
She would play with me and I would bite her. Sometimes she would let me go outside, that is how I met those awful drool buckets known as dogs. There were three of them, two small and one large. They like to sniff in improper places. As a lady, I would have none of that. If one of them tried, I would quickly run to the girl and meow furiously until she picked me. Yes, she picked me, it was the only time I allowed it. Having my ass sniffed is much more foul than being in the girl's arms. Those dogs never allowed me to find birds because they couldn't keep their noses to themselves. Ugh...well, I really shouldn't speak ill of these three dogs because the two that live here now are MUCH worse. I shall speak of them later, they are not important right now.
The girl loved to spend all day with me, but she wouldn't let me sleep on her bed at night. I was forced to sleep on the bed with momma cat and the man. It was treacherous because the man would occasionally roll over me in his sleep. Have you ever been rolled over? Did you weigh five pounds? I don't think so. He is heavy and gassy, two other things in a long list of what I don't like about the man.
Not only did the girl not let me sleep with her, but she would sleep much longer than momma cat and the man. It would make me nervous. I would meow outside her bedroom door. Then momma cat got smart, if she wanted to wake the girl up, she would just open the bedroom door. I would walk in and jump on her bed, but I couldn't find her. Well, I mean she was there, but I could see her face. It was covered by her hair so I would dig in her hair for her face. This usually woke her up.
One day, the girl did not come home. The next day she didn't come back either. I wasn't sure what was going on. The third day, no girl. On the fourth day, momma cat scoped me up and stuck me in a basket. These people are sticking me in boxes and baskets. Why do they insist I be captive in a small space?
After a long time and quite a lot of movement, the basket opened and there was the girl. We were in a strange place I had never seen before and there were a lot of kids looking at me too. The other kids seemed happy, but the girl seemed sad. She smiled at me, but she wouldn't play with me. From what I understood, she was now living at college. College is where humans supposedly get smarter while drinking. She didn't want to be living at college. She wanted to go home.
After a very tearful goodbye, I was put back into the basket. I figured I wouldn't see the girl for a long time because I had heard that college takes a long time. It must if they are drinking because alcohol certainly doesn't improve brain cells. About three days later the girl came back home. It was only supposed to be for a little while, but the girl started having nightmares. So instead of going far for college, it was decided the girl would stay at home with me.
She would put me in the window where this wonderful, fluttery things called birds were. They made interesting noises that I often tried to imitate. I would have loved to touch them, but there was this weird wiry mesh in the way. I tried to rip it with my claws, but I never succeeded.
She would play with me and I would bite her. Sometimes she would let me go outside, that is how I met those awful drool buckets known as dogs. There were three of them, two small and one large. They like to sniff in improper places. As a lady, I would have none of that. If one of them tried, I would quickly run to the girl and meow furiously until she picked me. Yes, she picked me, it was the only time I allowed it. Having my ass sniffed is much more foul than being in the girl's arms. Those dogs never allowed me to find birds because they couldn't keep their noses to themselves. Ugh...well, I really shouldn't speak ill of these three dogs because the two that live here now are MUCH worse. I shall speak of them later, they are not important right now.
The girl loved to spend all day with me, but she wouldn't let me sleep on her bed at night. I was forced to sleep on the bed with momma cat and the man. It was treacherous because the man would occasionally roll over me in his sleep. Have you ever been rolled over? Did you weigh five pounds? I don't think so. He is heavy and gassy, two other things in a long list of what I don't like about the man.
Not only did the girl not let me sleep with her, but she would sleep much longer than momma cat and the man. It would make me nervous. I would meow outside her bedroom door. Then momma cat got smart, if she wanted to wake the girl up, she would just open the bedroom door. I would walk in and jump on her bed, but I couldn't find her. Well, I mean she was there, but I could see her face. It was covered by her hair so I would dig in her hair for her face. This usually woke her up.
One day, the girl did not come home. The next day she didn't come back either. I wasn't sure what was going on. The third day, no girl. On the fourth day, momma cat scoped me up and stuck me in a basket. These people are sticking me in boxes and baskets. Why do they insist I be captive in a small space?
After a long time and quite a lot of movement, the basket opened and there was the girl. We were in a strange place I had never seen before and there were a lot of kids looking at me too. The other kids seemed happy, but the girl seemed sad. She smiled at me, but she wouldn't play with me. From what I understood, she was now living at college. College is where humans supposedly get smarter while drinking. She didn't want to be living at college. She wanted to go home.
After a very tearful goodbye, I was put back into the basket. I figured I wouldn't see the girl for a long time because I had heard that college takes a long time. It must if they are drinking because alcohol certainly doesn't improve brain cells. About three days later the girl came back home. It was only supposed to be for a little while, but the girl started having nightmares. So instead of going far for college, it was decided the girl would stay at home with me.
My 1st X-mas and 1st Vet Trip
The year continued as followed and I began to grow. I was white with light beige spots at birth. As I grew, momma cat began to think I was getting sloppy when I was eating. Her and the girl would rub my face like crazy. What is wrong with these people and their need to meddle in my own affairs. I didn't understand why they were so concerned until I noticed the beige patches were getting darker and I was getting these orange patches. Apparently I had these orange patches all around my mouth leading them to think I was dirty. Sigh...these humans should have paid more attention in science classes.
Soon it began to get cold outside and my people put up this fake green tree. It had lights and things on it, but that wasn't the best part. I could spy on them from under the tree. I hid under the presents and had the best stalking spot EVER. I love being under the Christmas tree. I will spend the entire time under it. It is a safe spot, a touch of the outside even if it is fake. Even better, there are cat stockings with presents usually from the girl in it.
The problem with the Christmas tree means that it is cold season. I have this sneaky feeling that if I lived outside, I would probably be dead by now. I suppose I should be thankful to the girl, but that would be admitting I had a nice heart. The cold usually made me hack, sniffle and snot. Turns out, my people, not so fond of my snot on their stuff. So that brought my first trip to the vet. I don't think the vet is a great a place as they would like you to believe.
I get captured by the girl. Great, I am being hunted in my own house. When she does catch me, she forces me into a cage and lastly into the car. At the vet, they want to take my temperature. Now remember kiddies, humans get a thermometer in their mouths or ear. Not cats...no, we don't get things so simple. We get a thermometer up our ass. Yup. A cold piece of metal in a place I certainly DO NOT want anyone touching. The words I have for both my people and the vet, I cannot write here on this blog, but I believe George Carlin did a skit involving them. And then they wonder why I'm angry and hissing? How about I put some cold metal up your ass and you tell me how it feels? Unless you are person into that sort of putting metal up your bum, I think you might mind it. Just a hunch...
After some other awful vet procedures such as shots, I got some yummy yummy medicine. Not yummy, not fun, not any good word I can think of. The best part of this whole trip was the vet finally said I was a girl. The only good thing about this man is that when he lifts a tail, he actually knows what he is looking at. Amen. I am no longer Keeko, but now Keeka. I am free! The world now knows I have a vagina! Awesome.
My retaliation for the vet trip and the being treated like a boy? Every time the man tried to put medicine down my throat, I would drool and dribble it all back onto his clothes. Score once for the cat! Besides, during the day when no one was around, I was usually blowing my nose on his clothes. Hah!
If I thought the vet was bad, I didn't know what was yet to come.
Soon it began to get cold outside and my people put up this fake green tree. It had lights and things on it, but that wasn't the best part. I could spy on them from under the tree. I hid under the presents and had the best stalking spot EVER. I love being under the Christmas tree. I will spend the entire time under it. It is a safe spot, a touch of the outside even if it is fake. Even better, there are cat stockings with presents usually from the girl in it.
The problem with the Christmas tree means that it is cold season. I have this sneaky feeling that if I lived outside, I would probably be dead by now. I suppose I should be thankful to the girl, but that would be admitting I had a nice heart. The cold usually made me hack, sniffle and snot. Turns out, my people, not so fond of my snot on their stuff. So that brought my first trip to the vet. I don't think the vet is a great a place as they would like you to believe.
I get captured by the girl. Great, I am being hunted in my own house. When she does catch me, she forces me into a cage and lastly into the car. At the vet, they want to take my temperature. Now remember kiddies, humans get a thermometer in their mouths or ear. Not cats...no, we don't get things so simple. We get a thermometer up our ass. Yup. A cold piece of metal in a place I certainly DO NOT want anyone touching. The words I have for both my people and the vet, I cannot write here on this blog, but I believe George Carlin did a skit involving them. And then they wonder why I'm angry and hissing? How about I put some cold metal up your ass and you tell me how it feels? Unless you are person into that sort of putting metal up your bum, I think you might mind it. Just a hunch...
After some other awful vet procedures such as shots, I got some yummy yummy medicine. Not yummy, not fun, not any good word I can think of. The best part of this whole trip was the vet finally said I was a girl. The only good thing about this man is that when he lifts a tail, he actually knows what he is looking at. Amen. I am no longer Keeko, but now Keeka. I am free! The world now knows I have a vagina! Awesome.
My retaliation for the vet trip and the being treated like a boy? Every time the man tried to put medicine down my throat, I would drool and dribble it all back onto his clothes. Score once for the cat! Besides, during the day when no one was around, I was usually blowing my nose on his clothes. Hah!
If I thought the vet was bad, I didn't know what was yet to come.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Cat Basics
Cats are very self sufficient. We keep to ourselves. We do not prostrate ourselves like dogs, ugh. We do our business in a box, neat and tidy. Seriously ungrateful humans, would you rather clean up a box full of shit where it is actually all contained in the litter or put your hand, albeit with a thin garbage bag on it, around a nice, warm lump of shit?
We also clean ourselves. We do not need baths, though you insist we do. We do not need our noses blown. We do not need you in any capacity for cleaning. Why do you insist that we need your help?
The girl enemy came to pet me today and noticed the bridge of my nose was a touch dirty. I knew it was dirty. It was on my list of things to do. With nothing interesting to do in the house, I try to space out my to do list. Cleaning was scheduled for 1:00 P.M. Instead she grabs me. Notice a trend here? She loves to grab me. I do not love to be grabbed. I equate it to sleeping in my own urine.
I get dragged to the bathroom to see my favorite person, momma cat. Somehow it is arranged that momma cat takes a baby wipe (note: baby wipe, I am NOT a baby) and wipes my nose! She begins to scrub the bridge of my nose to get the "dirt." Do I look like I want baby powder scented cloth up my nostrils? Do I think it smells good? No. Was my nose dirty? No. It's a bruise from that hack of a cat who hit me in the face.
My revenge for this brazen act of human stupid? I made sure I rubbed my very sheddy self all over the laundry. Hah. Take that people! Now go rewash your clothes.
We also clean ourselves. We do not need baths, though you insist we do. We do not need our noses blown. We do not need you in any capacity for cleaning. Why do you insist that we need your help?
The girl enemy came to pet me today and noticed the bridge of my nose was a touch dirty. I knew it was dirty. It was on my list of things to do. With nothing interesting to do in the house, I try to space out my to do list. Cleaning was scheduled for 1:00 P.M. Instead she grabs me. Notice a trend here? She loves to grab me. I do not love to be grabbed. I equate it to sleeping in my own urine.
I get dragged to the bathroom to see my favorite person, momma cat. Somehow it is arranged that momma cat takes a baby wipe (note: baby wipe, I am NOT a baby) and wipes my nose! She begins to scrub the bridge of my nose to get the "dirt." Do I look like I want baby powder scented cloth up my nostrils? Do I think it smells good? No. Was my nose dirty? No. It's a bruise from that hack of a cat who hit me in the face.
My revenge for this brazen act of human stupid? I made sure I rubbed my very sheddy self all over the laundry. Hah. Take that people! Now go rewash your clothes.
Monday, February 14, 2011
For the Only Person I Love
Dear Momma Cat/Dog,
Due to budget cuts in both our departments because we were forced to take on an additional expense, this year's Valentine's Day card is written from both camps on this piece of paper.
All four of us love you very much. Us cats, however, cannot speak for Jax as he is the enemy. The dogs state that Jax does indeed love you.
The dogs thank you for allowing them in for the winter. Miss Cookie's bum toots in great appreciation of your hospitality. As you know chihuahua-beagles are not bred to sit in the snow. Teddy wishes to apologize for his recent fence hopping habits, but he claims that he cannot possibly contain himself when he sees a bird or a squirrel.
Elvis would like to say that he is grateful for his tail massages even though he is too afraid to come out most days due to his agoraphobia. I refuse to apologize for anything I have done. Consider this a notification of my protest to that ugly lump of gray fur laying on my spot on the bed. Since Elvis nor the dogs will help me in my assault, I must seek justice on my own.
I end this card by saying that though I love you and you are by far my favorite person in the house, you have not gotten rid of that thing. I hate him more than I hated Elvis. I love you always momma cat, but unfortunately war always comes with civilian casualties.
VIVA LA REVOLUCION!
Love,
Keeka
(and those other ingrates)
P.S. I will try not to pee on your bed....
At least not on your side.
Due to budget cuts in both our departments because we were forced to take on an additional expense, this year's Valentine's Day card is written from both camps on this piece of paper.
All four of us love you very much. Us cats, however, cannot speak for Jax as he is the enemy. The dogs state that Jax does indeed love you.
The dogs thank you for allowing them in for the winter. Miss Cookie's bum toots in great appreciation of your hospitality. As you know chihuahua-beagles are not bred to sit in the snow. Teddy wishes to apologize for his recent fence hopping habits, but he claims that he cannot possibly contain himself when he sees a bird or a squirrel.
Elvis would like to say that he is grateful for his tail massages even though he is too afraid to come out most days due to his agoraphobia. I refuse to apologize for anything I have done. Consider this a notification of my protest to that ugly lump of gray fur laying on my spot on the bed. Since Elvis nor the dogs will help me in my assault, I must seek justice on my own.
I end this card by saying that though I love you and you are by far my favorite person in the house, you have not gotten rid of that thing. I hate him more than I hated Elvis. I love you always momma cat, but unfortunately war always comes with civilian casualties.
VIVA LA REVOLUCION!
Love,
Keeka
(and those other ingrates)
P.S. I will try not to pee on your bed....
At least not on your side.
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